THE WIT AND WISDOM OF ALAN SEIDLER

ON GORILLAS:

- A gorilla in the bush is worth two in the zoo.

- (to be recited in a W. C. Fields drawl:) I never met a gorilla I didn’t like; then again, I never met a gorilla.

 

ON HOME IMPROVEMENTS:

- Ashes are good for the rug---paper is bad.

- When you spill red wine on your new Persian rug, pour an equal or greater amount of white wine on the affected portion and rub it in with gusto. It could bleach that portion of the rug white and may end up fucking up the whole carpet, but at least the stain is guaranteed to be gone.

 

ON PRETENTIOUS PEOPLE:

Always remember and never forget: there are very few connoisseurs in this world, but there are a hell of a lot of connoyzers.

 

ON FIRST-HAND SMOKE:

Doctor to Alan: Exactly how many cigarettes do you smoke in the course of a day?
Alan to Doctor: As many as possible!

 

ON SECOND-HAND SMOKE:

The whole thing is a lot of bullshit if you ask me. When I was a kid, women smoked all through their pregnancies and everybody smoked in crowded rooms, closed cars and plenty of other unventilated areas. If the Smoke Police were correct on this trumped-up issue, my entire generation would have been dead years ago.

 

ON COMMON SENSE:

There’s no sense in beating a dead horse. Come to think of it, there’s even less sense in beating a live one.

 

ON GOLF:

Some people say that watching a golf game is like watching the grass grow. Not so at all---Watching a golf game IS watching the grass grow!